The Worst of 2010: a preview from Wikileaks
(as reposted by Richard von Busack. Above: The cast of Nutcracker 3D welcomes you to Hell.)
Jan 2, 2010 CE
From: His Imperial Sulfurousness, Beelzebub
To: Assistant Director of Infernal Leisure Services Bastophet
CC: Vice Presidents, Deadly Sins Administration, Depts of Torment, Despair, Tears, Nausea
As you can see you’ve got quite a plate this year to fill: a massive order of pain and suffering to make the humans doubt the mercy of heaven, as well as to give them a taste of the punishment they (except, of course, the Unitarians) will be experiencing in the afterlife.
I know I’ve gone on about this before, but let me restate this, because it’s important: cinema can elevate the soul. Destroying the humans’ faith in cinema’s ability to enlighten and elevate isn’t going to be an easy task. But if we apply ourselves, every movie theater in our Satanic dominion will be a 99 Cent Store by 2050.
Since many in the industry are our sold-souled underlings, you can expect plenty of cooperation from our liaisons in California.
I’ve inspired Assistant Demon Without Portfolio Johnny Knoxville to create a realm of tortures to baffle the idle in Jackass 3D, and we’re forecasting a box office draw in the $115-120 range. This should make the Godly think the end of the world is coming.
We’re already thinking of topping the “Apple of My Ass” incident; you’ll recall this sequence of an unclean swine persuaded to dine on a rectally-lodged pippin. We’re forecasting a pig/donkey scene for Jackass #4 D (2012) provisionally titled “The Apple of My Ass’s Ass”
And speaking of back, as the young people say: our operative Jennifer Lopez will continue to split the air with fiendish hell cries. We’re confident that The Back Up Plan will cause suicides and self-inflicted blindings. My questions about this: are there enough dog reaction shots? Perhaps a turd in the birthing pool…and I’d like to see plenty of goats in this film, if possible, just to put our Infernal seal on things.
The Back Up Plan is one part of a larger scheme we’re unrolling—and thanks to Dantalion the Demonic in the Overpopulation of Earth division for this idea—our “Babies are made in heavenTM” campaign, which commenced with Juno. There is the documentary Babies, a very economical pick-up for us.
And wait until you see the grabber in Life As We Know It, where we got Katherine Heigl to wear some infant dung as a fashion accessory.
Ashtaroth in the Department of Dashed Hopes came up with the idea of killing Christina Hendricks’ character early in Life/Know It, to thwart entertainment-seeking humans.
It’s a little thing, but we can’t stress it enough: every disappointment adds up. And the point, as always, is to remind the humans that they are merely our chattel, doomed to suffer what we wish them to endure until they finally languish, die and come here. And that’s when the fun really begins.
Belphegor: wanted to thank you publicly for your work with M. Night Shymalan. Tempting a man who could have become a physician and luring him into the realm of cinema to be, as you were saying, “a fleck of dandruff in Rod Serling’s hair”…well, that was evil. And “evil” is a word we don’t use lightly.
Even the imbecilic mortals are becoming aware that only infernal forces could be behind Shy’s career. Good work!
Like a damned soul writing on the Double-Pronged Pitchfork of Shibboleth, unhappy humans can expect a two-fold course of Shymalan in 2010. There is Last Airbender, of course; you’ve heard about this one already, and believe me, it’s no disappointment. We really pulled out the stops.
And, you’ll love this: M. Night Shymalan’s Devil. (And I understand it’s proposed as the first part of a trilogy! Outstanding work, Belphegor!)
Some of you were elsewhere, spreading disease and anguish, so just to bring you up to speed: Devil is about a group of people stuck in an elevator shaft with someone who could be…well, modesty forbids! We hope evangelical bloggers will help this one’s plausibility. Perhaps a first-person account of someone who entered an elevator once and smelled a sulfuric odor therein, proving, etc.
We’re projecting a $50 million box office draw on Devil; this should amply recompense the Ebony Treasury of Dis for the vast cost of shooting an uncredited remake of Ten Little Indians in an elevator.
The Sex and the City sequel is ready to go—146 minutes long, Hail Me!— and we’re hoping for plenty of product placement for slave-labor wracked Abu Dhabi, along with the new marketing slogan “Abu Dhabi Doo!,” as enunciated by Cynthia Nixon. Imagine the faces of the audience! It’s going like Walpurgisnacht morning.
The rushes on Jonah Hex shows that it’s slightly problematic; not quite horrendous enough yet, but we have time to work on it. And the Department of Despair has some exciting news abut the potential casting of Megan Fox.
Even bigger news: Owen Wilson, who has done such terrific work for us over the years, is confirmed as the voice of Marmaduke. A little bird of purgatory told me that Wilson will be key to the punishment that is going to be Little Fockers.
Anyway: we’re hoping Marmaduke will not only torment children, but also contain a pelf-parade of product placement combined with an underlying message that you need to stay home and pamper your kids, etc. Causing cognitive dissonance is something we pride ourselves on around here.
The rehabilitation of Jerry Lewis is continuing apace, and a Criterion edition of Cracking Up is not far behind.
Profanation of Christmas is just another day’s work for us, so I think you’re all going to be amazed at the direction we’re taking with Nutcracker 3D. It’s going to hurt.
To look ahead, we’re expecting a bold 2011, with bewildered sufferers asking themselves, “Am I watching Green Lantern or Green Hornet?” Astaroth burned a lot of midnight oil (and a lot of sinners, LOL) to get Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son greenlit.
And good news: a new Transformers installment is ready for July 1.
Again, we want to congratulate everyone’s hard work around here.
And a gentle reminder: whenever you’re working on a script, ask yourselves, “Is there a reason why this can’t be a part for Shia LaBeouf or Sam Worthington?”