12 Predictions for 2012
by Matt Sills
We’re a couple of weeks into the new year, and it’s a strange time at the movies. The focus is on awards season, so you’re not getting any of the great movies studios are holding off on releasing. You’re certainly not going to be seeing any blockbusters, because kids are at school and their parents are back at work. So you’re getting a mish-mash of movies that the studios don’t know what to do with. They throw them out at the beginning of the year, hoping someone, anyone, will go see them. Since there’s nothing really going on at the movies right now, it’s a perfect time to look at the year ahead. Now, I’m no psychic, but I’ve looked into my little crystal ball, and I’ve made some predictions about what you’re going to see at the movies this year. Join me, won’t you, in seeing into the future of film in 2012!
1. Jennifer Aniston and Katherine Heigl will be in movies that will bomb (as usual), furthering my belief that there are some TV stars who will never be movie stars, no matter how much the studios try to force them on us.
2. My girlfriend will see Joss Whedon’s The Avengers with me, not because she thinks super hero movies are cool or Robert Downey, Jr. is awesome, but because she hopes that Buffy or Willow or Spike will make a cameo appearance.
3. A housewife in Parma, Ohio will “find” footage of a mysterious illusionist inexplicably pulling some sort of long eared creature out of a hat at her son’s 8th birthday party, causing a mass of screaming children and shaky camera work. The video will be turned into a feature film, produced by the guys that brought you The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity and The Devil Inside, and will gross $100 million dollars.
4. The 3-D release of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace will make gobs of money, leading George Lucas to believe he can do anything. This will lead to a digital remake of Howard The Duck starring Jar Jar Binks.
5. The Academy will continue to nominate 10 movies for Best Picture, even though only 2 of them will have any real chance of winning.
6. I will be the only man amongst many young teenage girls seeing the 3-D release of Titanic, and will be the one crying the hardest at the end of the film.
7. Watching the movie Battleship will be nowhere near as fun as playing the game Battleship.
8. Someone, somewhere, will accidentally purchase a ticket for The Hunger Games, thinking it is a documentary about homelessness.
9. Sony’s marketing department will realize that the title The Amazing Spider Man might be a bit over-exaggerated, and will rename the film The Perfectly Acceptable Spider Man.
10. In Men In Black III, Will Smith will say something sarcastic, yet it will be nowhere near as funny as it was back in 1997.
11. With Batman’s digitally deepened voice and that crazy mask over Bane’s face, The Dark Knight Rises will the be most incomprehensible blockbuster of all time.
12. People will go to movies in record numbers, the box office dollars will be record breaking, filmmakers will continue to make movies that entertain us and make us think, and the pundits will still say that film is dead.